Their protests might range from saying, “Stop telling me what to do all the time!” to eye-rolling and loud sighs each time you make a request. Kids who are generally well-behaved will say to you they resent your authority in mostly appropriate or semi-appropriate ways. ![]() Indeed, they don’t like being around adults much-and they certainly don’t like being around the adults who are telling them what to do. In the adolescent years, they lean more toward their peers, and they think their friends are the only ones who understand them. ![]() And the way children do this is by pushing adults away. Why is it so difficult to assert control over your adolescent? One reason is that the developmental stage we call adolescence is a time for your child to individuate-that is, to create an identity separate from you. ![]() It’s Normal for Teens to Resist Their Parents And if you’ve never clearly established yourself as being in control, it may seem as though it’s almost impossible for you to do it after your child becomes a teenager. When this happens, many parents have a hard time reasserting their role as the person in charge. What often emerges is not only a lack of respect for parental authority but also a situation where your child wants to be the boss. During those years, parents tend to develop a friendly relationship with their kids and, unless your kids have significant behavior problems, they listen to you, do what you ask, and want to spend time with you.īut when adolescence hits, the whole game changes. They also supervise their children’s behavior and decide what’s appropriate and what’s not.Īnd you’ll often see children from the age of about six to ten being compliant most of the time. I think when children are very young, it’s easy to see that the parents are in charge-parents make the decisions, direct their children in their day-to-day activities, and organize things for their household. You Were in Charge When Your Child Was Young-So What Happened? All three roles-limit-setter, teacher, and coach-are needed for you to be a highly effective parent, particularly with adolescents. The other critical roles I’ve identified are the teacher role, where you help your child learn how to behave more appropriately, and the coach role, where you challenge your child to behave better-much like the coach of a sports team would do. While the limit-setter role is essential, keep in mind that it should not be the only one you use. I firmly believe parents need to set limits on their kids and maintain the rules of their household using consequences and accountability. I often define this as the limit-setter role when I’m talking to parents. I want to be clear about what I mean by the boss. What It Means to Be the Boss of Your Child In my opinion, your child’s role simply isn’t equal to yours-as a parent, you have to make judgments and be in charge because otherwise, no one will be in charge. The major problem with this approach is that a friend is non-judgmental, and a friend is a peer. Many parents also want to be their child’s friend-they don’t like the idea of being the boss at all. ![]() And eventually, you start to resent them because you don’t have a way to tell them what to do. When your children are unsure about who’s really in charge, they often act out, engage in risky behavior, or become extremely bossy and patronizing as a result. As a parent, if you aren’t the boss in your family, the lines of authority can become blurred very quickly.
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